I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing