trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
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I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?