Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
WTF
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike