I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
got so much cardio in today
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Cndnsd Mlk
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.