Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…