My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos