Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Beware of fowl play.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?