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I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes