I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
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boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
wow he looks just like him
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”