Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies