Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
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Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
God, I love Scotland
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.