Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My life in a nutshell
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Aaaa…CHOO!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
what’s really going on
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”