DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.