ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*limbos under the caution tape
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.