Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
sliding into dms like
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”