My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?