My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.