If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
also my go-to takeaway order
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.