I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.