Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show