So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
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Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.