I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED