Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
You Might Also Like
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT