An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
What kind of a cult is this?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!