I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
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how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
fixed it
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year