Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
When someone says you are so lazy
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
goldfish mafia
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*