*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
This is not me but this is me
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭