Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
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Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”