Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs