The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
a badder mouse
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
found this cool rock hiking today
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.