Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.