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me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.