If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Netflix and awkward silence?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Still a very good boi….
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Happy weekend !
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD