Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
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MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Happens to everyone.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.