As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Jesus Christ lmao
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’