French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
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Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
me when I see my crush
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.