I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.