At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Lol
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography