13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection