[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Venn
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki