I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
2022: I can fix it
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork