#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?