Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
yes yes a thousand times yes!
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
when dads have a rap battle
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?