GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.