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[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..