I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Friday night party time 🥳
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Brands during Pride
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.