[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
best first i’ve ever seen
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.