Its true…
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
these two trucks have the same bed length
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”