[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I only treason on days ending in y
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage