Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Cha-ching is my safe word
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.